Took my first camping trip of the summer, and I have to say, it astonishes me to discover how presumably respectable and mature adults will spend their time in the great outdoors. That’s right. I’m talking about war. As in water war. As in fought with the gnarliest water gun you can get your hands on. I mean, some of these weapons surely came out of ultra-secret Department of Defense labs, intended to reduce their victims to quivering masses of Michelob Light-seeking deserters, ready to turn on teammates with merely a whisper of the words, “Ha! Gotchya!!”

Take the Waterball 100 Water Gun. Thirteen bucks will buy you a launcher built to shoot 40 balls of water a minute from a range of six to 20 feet. As the seller proclaims, “With that kind of firepower, there’s little chance anyone within the range of these pool toys will stay dry!” Or, I might add, that you’ll ever be invited back to that particular pool party.

Here’s the Double Barrel Water Gun, that, because it can shoot up to 50 feet, is “perfect for a sneak attack.”

Finally, I present the Stream Machine Water Gun. This one is two feet long, holds up to 16 ounces of water and fires up to 70 feet. Plus, it’s easy to reload. Just put the barrel into water and pull back.

All I can say is, a person’s gotta do what a person’s gotta do. Ha! Gotchya!!