Roller derby is a making a big-time comeback — and the girls are getting wild! This is a full-body contact sport where the tougher you are on the rink, the louder you fall, the harder you use your elbows, the more the crowds adore you. (With rink names like Broadzilla, Eva Destruction and Myna Threat, you know these are not people to be messed with.) As writer Brian Haney puts it, “Clobbering one’s opponents is not only legal, but highly encouraged.”

I’m still waiting for derby wear to show up at my local Target. But quad skates are everywhere.

Since I know nothing about skates, I’m going to venture that the more you spend, the better you get.

That’s why my pair — when this lower back pain eases, mind you! — will be a set of Riedell Vandal Derby Quads. These pitbulls of the roller rink cost $274. The description talks about things like plates, wheels, bearings and top stops. (You can get “optional jam plugs,” while you’re at it, whatever they are.)

Reviewer Princess Rotten declares, “Put these babies on and you’ll be flyin around that rink. Perfect fit. Super smooth and derby tough!!!” Anything that gets said with three exclamations surely must be true, right?

So, until that lower back problem dissipates, I’ll spend my time thinking up a rink name for myself… Derby Di is a bit milquetoast. Di Another Day? Bomba Mama? I’ll keep working on that. In the meantime, watch that jammer. She is coming through, headin’ for you!!!

Summer’s here, and the living is easy. In fact, it’s downright besotted, what with baseball games, neighborhood potlucks, riverside picnics and work-time happy hours come a Friday evening. But how do you know if you’ve quaffed too much alcohol to get behind the steering wheel? Face it, somebody who’s had a few isn’t the best judge of whether or not he or she is sober enough to drive.

That’s why a little gadget like the AlcoHawk Elite Digital Alcohol Detector might be a smart gift for the designated non-drinker in your life. This is a device that person can make you breath into to find out your blood alcohol concentration, thereby preventing arguments.

There’s one button on the unit, which presumably makes it easy to use. And it comes with a carrying pouch and five mouthpieces. So, here’s a clue: If the person to be tested can’t see the single button, it’s probably best not to waste a mouthpiece. Just hide the car keys before you begin.

According to the vendor, Q3 Innovations, the Elite has an electronic airflow sensor to ensure the user continues to blow through the unit. This is a “vital new function,” says the company, “because only samples of air from the deep lung are proportionate to blood alcohol content. This new innovative sensor ensures the user exhales through the mouthpiece over the 4-5 second exhale.” No quick breathing to get a favorable reading.

The detector also includes a temperature sensor that displays the temperature at the time of testing. If it’s too hot or cold, apparently, the readings may not be accurate.

How does it work? You put in a new mouthpiece, prime the sensor by having the subject blow into it for a few seconds, then turn the unit on. A beep will sound and the temperature will display. Then a countdown occurs and another beep sounds. RDY will show up in the little display. From there, the user takes a deep breath and blows steadily into the unit until another beep sounds to signal that the test is over.

If the number showing is greater than .02, the vendor advises against driving. This is, of course, way below the .08 that most states consider you intoxicated. But as the saying goes, never drink and drive.